Over. And over. And over to myself.

For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.   ~Isaiah 41:13


Over the course of this last month I have repeatedly come back to this verse...daily. And I continue to say it over and over to myself. This has been quite a roller coaster start to the year. We closed out 2012 with both kids being sick and not being able to go to Orlando to see the Dawgs play. (When your kids are sick they take priority over pretty much everything else.) Then a few days in to the new year a friend of mine from college committed suicide and it rocked the close knit community that is Berry to it's core. I'm still processing what happened and it's effects. Two days after the funeral Andy and I headed to Disney to run our first half...what a mountain top experience that was. We came home and celebrated AG's fourth birthday. Earlier this week we had horrible storms and a tornado touched down about 15/20 minutes from our house. I spent the morning locked in the bathroom with Avi-Kate and Samson because Andy was at work and AG was at school. That was an interesting experience to have bad weather and my child not with me. We ended the month by seeing an Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist in Atlanta due to how sick both kids have been. In the midst of all of this have been friends in need of their own encouragement because of the struggles in their own lives. Again, it's been a roller coaster start to the year. Yet, in all of this, I have taken a great amount of comfort in saying, 

"For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."

Over. And over. And over to myself. And occasionally to those around me. Those words are like a balm, in all situations, to my heart and mind. I feel like over the last few years that certain verses/songs/quotes become anthems for a season in our life because they are relevant daily. Last year, almost daily, I would say aloud:

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

And this year, so far, has been all about Isaiah 41:13. 

Yesterday, I went to the ENT with the kids with a rough idea of what I thought they would say...that AG needed to have his tonsils out and that while Avi-Kate's ears were bad we could hold off on tubes a little longer. Instead I found out the following:

Avi-Kate's ears are horrible. In fact, they are still infected from Christmas and they immediately wrote me a prescription for a new antibiotics. She's having surgery immediately on her ears...as in next Wednesday morning she's having surgery. While they are at it they are also going to clip her tongue because she is tongue tied. I have been concerned about this for about nine months now and have asked the pediatrician but she said it was minor. In addition to being tongue tied she is also upper lip tied and we are going to have to seek advice from the dentist and orthodontist on how to proceed. They asked me yesterday if I was able to nurse her and I told them I made it four months before completely switching to formula. The nurse practitioner told me I deserved a gold medal for making it that far. Both of these issues explain why it took her on average an hour and a half to nurse. With all of this comes speech issues...being an early childhood education major in college I have experience with children and developing their speech. Over the course of the last six months I began to have this inner dialoge in my head about her speech. Should I be concerned? Should I not be concerned? Am I being overly worried because of my background? Etc. They asked me yesterday how her hearing was and without batting an eye I said fine. Surely I would notice if she was having hearing issues, right? They asked to do a hearing screening just to see where she was at despite the fact that her ears were infected. What a humbling experience to sit in a special room with your child on your lap and watch them not be able to hear. I began saying Isaiah 41:13 in my head as questions began to swirl and I willed back tears from forming. Avi-Kate has hearing loss and at this point they believe that it correlates with how infected her ears are. The hope is that by doing surgery immediately they can clear up her ears and her hearing will return. If not, we'll cross that bridge later. The combination of the hearing loss and being tongue tied explains why her speech hasn't developed the way it should. 

And then there was AG. His tonsils are huge and he snores like an old man at the tender age of four. They told me that they do indeed need to come out. What I wasn't prepared for was that the doctor wants to do the surgery at hospital so that he can keep AG overnight. (We are going to have to call this week to talk with our insurance to see what they will/will not pay for...depending on what they say we may have to have it done as outpatient.) While they were checking out his tonsils the doctor asked if they could swab AG for a strep test. Sure enough, it came back positive. They immediately wrote me a prescription for him. So the little man had a sick day at home with Mommy and Avi-Kate today. 

That's a lot. When I called Andy to tell him how it went he responded with something along the lines of, "that's a lot more information than I was expecting you to tell me." Yes. It was a lot of information to take in by yourself while juggling two small kids.

Big picture? These things while big at this moment are in fact small in the grand scheme of things. And for that I am grateful. Yesterday was hard because it was a lot to process at once by myself. While driving home I kept telling myself that God will help us. He does help us, daily. I don't know what the future holds but I take great comfort in knowing that HE knows and HE will help us. Great, great, great comfort.  

You Are Mine.

You are Mine [Enter the Worship Circle]
maybe i don't have the strength
maybe i don't have the faith
you brought me here in forty years
when i know this trip should take a week
i've shed my tears and shed my blood
been outran some by the flood
and winter steals my songs away
in all of this i've come undone
.
when you walk through the water
i will be with you
when you pass through the river
those waves they will not overtake you
when you walk on the fire
those flames they will not touch you
you are mine
you are mine
.
i've been a child
i've been a slave
and i've grown bitter
and learned to pray
i've packed my bags and started back
the cost is just too high to pay
.
when you walk through the water
i will be with you
when you pass through the river
the waves they will not overtake you
when you walk on the fire
those flames they will not touch you
you are mine
you are mine.
you are mine.


A friend of mine from college committed suicide Friday. The last few days have been a blur. Grateful for a community that despite our differences has rallyed around to support each other. Grateful that God redeems horrible circumstances and uses them for good. Grateful for Isaiah 41:3. Grateful for the chance to spend a few days at the Happiest Place on Earth later this week with Andy...for much needed time to decompress from all that has happened. 

Satisfied.

I love this hymn. It is so simplistically beautiful and powerful all at the same time. And I have searched iTunes high and low for a version of it. Everytime we sing it at church I try again to find a well arranged version of it and never have any luck. Today we sang it at church and I came home humming it and wishing I had a copy of it. I searched iTunes and to my joy found a version by Red Mountain Church. Which ironically enough I had heard about days earlier when hanging out with some of our college students in Krannert. So here are the lyrics and if you need a copy of it check out iTunes.

Satisfied

All my life I had a longing
For a drink from some clear spring,
That I hoped would quench the burning
Of the thirst I felt within.

Refrain

Hallelujah! He has found me.
The one my soul so long has craved!
Jesus satisfies my longings,
Through His blood I now am saved.

Feeding on the filth around me,
Till my strength was almost gone,
Longed my soul for something better,
Only still to hunger on.

Refrain

Poor I was, and sought for riches,
Something that would satisfy,
But the dust I gathered round me
Only mocked my soul’s sad cry.

Refrain

Well of water, ever springing,
Bread of life so rich and free,
Untold wealth that never faileth,
My Redeemer is to me.

Refrain